The Fall

Sometimes

I dream of you

Your skin in the softly lit hue

Touching your hair,

Laying on the floor together

Chinese food

Tears

Love making,

Utter bliss,

And being so unknowing of it all

What I did not know

was that when I was with you

I had it all

348s

But then came the fall

The pain and regret

The unchangeable chain of events

That were to follow

Sent me to an unthinkable place

But these memories continue

to haunt my nights

steal my sleep

the pain still hurts,

still as bad as years prior

I had hoped one day these

thoughts would disappear

I just want you near

But now we are worlds apart

With different paths of the heart

I just wish for you to know how much I care

And how much I fear

repeating those mistakes I made.

On a daily I hold little regret,

But nights like these,

it is all so unclear.

I feel so much fear

And every fall these feelings appear.

I cant seem to forget you.

It tends to make me quite blue.

If only, I think.

But if only cannot be,

because you are no longer the one for me.

Though I wish you could be.

No longer a young girl,

I am now a grown woman,

But when it is in the case of you,

I still feel like a teen

Naive and quite keen

Part of my heart will always be you

No matter what I do.

My first true love,

I can only pray to meet another

Who continues to make me wonder

And dream

And persevere.

*pbw*, You’ve had my heart since that day

Keep it safe every fall.

We shall meet again,

of this I am sure.

-anonymous

The Fall

The Truth About Love

The truth about love

Love is a feeling that cannot be heard or seen. It can be felt. It can last an eternity or it can fizzle and turn flat like a can of soda. Love is work. It blossoms and blooms, then if not given care, can wilt and die.

I have loved. I have lost. I still love, in different degree each day. And each day I find something new that I love in life. Whether its an undying emotion towards a long lost love or a new passion within my career. I feel it. Love is full of variety. It can lead you to your dreams, or down the wrong path into a dark endless array of disappointment.

For me, I found it young, first within another person’s soul, and then through the years within myself and it just keeps growing.

I fell in love with HIM when I was 17 years old. We met at a greek cafe in downtown Houston. I pursued him for a year. I teased, poked, prodded and instigated him continuously until he finally caved.

Since then, I have always and still believe that HE is my soul mate. Whether we are together in this life or not, he will always be my first true love. I have spent the last 6, going on 7 years continuously pursuing him with an undying devotion that most marriages cannot even compare to. The love I felt and continue to feel for him will forever be a part of me, as if a limb on my body.

A day after my 18th birthday, after a strong perseverance of him, he succumbed. He let me in. I remember that night like it was yesterday, I was babysitting two little girls, and had just put the youngest to bed when our texts quickly reached the conclusion of me longer being underage. Then it happened. He invited me over.

That night I felt such intense excitement that I could not contain myself. I told my mom that I was going to spend the night at a friends house, grabbed a change of clothes and rushed out the door before she could even reply. As i drove to his apartment, my palms became sticky with sweat, my heart pounded so hard and my knees weakened as I put my foot on the gas pedal.

When I finally arrived, I picked up my phone to check the text with his apartment number on it, and my phone instantly died. I scrambled around searching for a place to plug my phone in, and only had the wall cord. So I got out of the car, walked around the building looking for a plug, praying, begging I would find one. Then i did. I turned my phone back on to realize i was hunkered down right in front of his door.

And then he invited me in.

The Truth About Love

Jaded

Today I want to write about being jaded in love. Where do we go from here?

Once you’ve been scorned, who can you turn to, how do you know you can trust again?

Over the years I have been pretty resilient to the hurt and heartbreak, with the ability to come back full force, ready and willing to love so readily.

But today I am feeling doubtful, not exactly hopeless, but careless about love at this moment.

Which isn’t so bad, because right now, my career, home life and life in general, are all in a great position, but I’ve noticed lately that my outlook on love has changed drastically. Where did I lose that passion, that fire?

When did I give up?

I look back on my past relationships now in a much different perspective than I had once before.

How do I know who is right for me anymore? I see so many types of people in a day, see so many similar personalities, but how do I know which one is best for me?

Who can accept, understand and love me truly?

Right now, I am certain I love myself, my flaws, my talents, my traits, but the question is who else in the world can accept all of it, when I have just barely been able to understand and accept those things about myself. Especially after the numerous men that have floated in and out of my life. Who will continue to be there, love me, accept me, embrace me and look at me with the adoration I have felt once before?

Where is he? What does he do for work? What does he do when he doesn;t work? Is he on the road to success as I am? Is he tall, short, thick, thin, light, dark. Does he have blue, green or brown eyes? How does he speak to me, how does he love me? How does he express himself?

These are all questions I believe life itself will answer but for today, I must express these questions to you, and maybe by expressing them, I can begin to ask myself those questions and give myself answers of what I hope them to be.

I believe today, I can move forward much more informed and knowledgeable if I continue to ask myself these questions.

For so long now, I have left these questions unanswered, deciding to let the universe answer them, but how will I ever know I have met the one if I do not answer for myself at least once in the meantime?

Jaded

Dear John,

Dear John,

 

Today I resent you. Today I am angry with you for making me feel so much and teasing my damn heart.

Today, I wish you didn’t exist so that I could move on with my life and not spend these endless hours, minutes and seconds thinking about you.

Today, I wish I could erase my memories, and given enough time, it would happen naturally.

But John, I care. I care so much for how you make me feel, and the moments we share, that it makes me ache deep inside.

The most recent memory that always seems to bring a smile to my face, even in this moment of despair, I can recall so clearly. The feel of your arm against mine, our bodies and souls felt connected and keep me from remaining resentful…

 

We sat in your bedroom, with the tv on, but the volume low. We took shots of moonshine and sat next to each other on your bed, with our arms touching ever so lightly. You started playing a familiar tune, and began singing it to me. I immediately caught on, and began singing with you.

 

As you strummed, we sang together,

 

“You’re on the phone with your girlfriend—she’s upset,

She’s going off about something that you said

‘Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do.

I’m in the room, it’s a typical Tuesday night.

I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like.

And she’ll never know your story like I do.”

We looked into each others eyes so deeply as you continued the song. I let out a giggle at the excitement of this moment actually happening. I had dreamed my entire life of meeting a man who would play the guitar as we both sang to it. I became breathless at the thought that you played this song on purpose. My heart fluttered.

And you continued…

“So, why can’t you see—

Have you ever thought,

Just maybe– that

You belong with me”

Then I sang the last lyric ever so softly into your ear,

“You belong with me.”

As I pulled my lips away from your ear, our eyes met. I could feel your breath on my lips as our eyes stayed locked for what I wished, could have been eternity. It was as if time had stopped. My heart, raced with yearning. We both sighed heavily and broke the moment, trying to laugh it off.

 

But later that night, as we tried to sleep, facing each other, I knew it was going to happen.

The room dark, with only the tv lighting it, your breath and mine mixed as our faces inched closer to one anothers. We entangled our bodies in a full on frontal snuggle. My lips rested on your cheek. The alcohol seemed so intense as we both felt each others skin. It still gives me shivers to think about. We stayed like this for minutes. Our breaths started to skim each others skin and with each movement of our bodies, our lips grew closer and closer until we were not even centimeters apart, lip to lip. We continued to keep our eyes closed, both feeling what the other felt. We eskimo kissed each other again and again, and each time your lips grazed near my own, I got goosebumps on the back of my neck. I felt such a deep longing to kiss you that I couldn’t breathe any longer, we both felt the intensity of the moment. It was electric, and somehow, just somehow, our lips finally met. The only other way I can describe it John, was a series of photos of beautiful moments happening all played within a millisecond through my head. Visions of flowers blooming, children breathing their first breath, the sun rising, a star shooting. And then the intensity of the kiss that followed will forever keep me from finishing this letter on anything but a good note.

You make me feel so much adoration, support, acceptance and friendship, that I never want to know a day without you again. Why can’t you just be with me?

Dearest John, You belong with me.

Sincerely Yours

Dear John,

Dear John

Dear John,

I was yours from the moment we met.

I knew that I’d finally found what I’d been looking for all this time.

I just knew I had to make you mine. When I think about you I lose control of my body.  My heart palpitates, and my knees get weak. I feel winded from the emotions within my soul.

Things with you are easy. I don’t have to filter my thoughts or words, you just seem to get it.

When I think of you, the first things I picture, are your eyes and then your smile. I feel so much love and protection, I could walk a thousand miles. You look at me with that sincere affection my soul has been aching for. I only want more.

When I’m with you, I am at ease. Its like a comforting summer breeze. There was no option of not becoming your friend. I want to see this through to the end.

I don’t think I’d survive without you in my life. I wouldn’t want to. You just get me, and I get you.

I feel it deep within me, that we were meant to be. With you in my life, I can simply be me. Completely and utterly free. Its like a symphony. A million love songs play spontaneously through my brain and they all bring me back to you.

But then you mention her, and a beast releases inside me. It’s hurt, upset and full of rage. I just want to turn the page. I cannot see clearly in this moment. My heart feels as though it has been replaced with a rock, and the waterfall of tears soon turns into shock. The tornado of emotions whip my body, heart in soul in opposite directions, my stomach churns and my heart yearns.

John you send me into peril, but offer to try to repair it. I’m in such despair over it. Tell me whatever I need to do, so that I can be your one and only, just ask and I will no longer be lonely. Forever is all I ask, i want this to last.

Best friends and hopefully lovers by the end.

Sincerely Yours,

Dear John

Storytime!

Its story-time!

Today I had the fabulous light-bulb moment where I decided that today I would start a little challenge for myself. I have to write, one short story about an item in my room. An item that has a story behind it to tell.

Feel free to send me your own stories as well! Lets do this together! The Story-time Challenge I shall dub it!

I am also choosing to pick items that have specific meaning behind them. Items that give me that nostalgic feeling I enjoy so much, find one thing and expand on it!

Today’s Item:

An unopened 16OZ Vans Warped Tour Monster Water can.

I am exploring today the story of this unopened Vans Warped Tour ’07 Lucky 13 Tour Water Can. This can signifies such a huge part of my teenage and adult life. This can represents the vast amount of concerts I attended beginning at the age of 13. As I look at this can in pristine condition, I recall the memories of numerous Paramore concerts, the hot, sunny, and sweaty days spent listening to bands from all around the world in Houston, Texas’s notorious steamy hot weather. I recall the wet haired punk bands, the first time I heard screaming, and growling in music. The first place that I could completely break down the outside world and be myself. Engulfed in the music, the salty glitter of sweat dripping down everyone’s bodies. I remember the culture of it, there were so many different people, but they were all brought together by this undying passion for music.

It was a big world for me, and it guided me through my life, and still does to this day.I envied the musicians on stage, so confident and in control of their lives. They released something on those stages, and it was infectious to all of us, in search of life and love. I became drawn into it, more and more as my life outside of the shows would broaden, so would my relationship with the stage and music following.

This can tells so much about who I was, and who I want to continue to be. It also represents my the luck of the Irish for me, and how when I follow the lucky 7, (my lucky number), my life is on its right path. As I type this I connect with myself on a level so deep, but gives me such self assurance, I would definitely recommend some of you try this and see what happens!

It’s not much but I hope you enjoy! If you like this, feel free to send feedback, or even if you don’t like it, send me your thoughts!

Jade

Storytime!

A Letter To All of Us “Side Chicks” And The Men That Put Us There

A Letter To Us Women Known As Side Chicks

 

Dear Women,

This is for all the girls out there, who have striven for love, searched high and low, worked their asses off to keep men interested in them, so that they did not lose hope in finding love.

This is for all of us “side chicks.”

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have any pride in being a side chick whatsoever, but its 4am and I’ve had a long night of thought in which i finally realized just how naive I have been all this time.

I was fed bullshit, and never got answers from the men I have known for years, the ones who I thought were my friends. And I’ll give them this, maybe they do care.

But caring is not enough anymore and I am taking a stand right here and now.

What is it to be a side chick? Well look at it this way, I fell in love with men who were already involved with other women. Of course when I met these men, the women that are considered their main chick, weren’t so when it began.

There are two men in particular that I closely identify with and have been giving it up to, for my own selfish reasons, not thinking twice about the consequences or the true meaning behind my actions.

One is now married with two children, the other a serious committed relationship who I identify as my best friend. When I met these men, (at separate times) they were single. But over the course of the past 7 years, I have used these men as a scapegoat, and they have done the same with me.

I have been the most hopeful romantic out there, always reverting back to these men in times of need, when I felt unwanted or unattractive. Sounds pretty damn immature doesn’t it?

Funny thing is, no matter how old you are, everyone craves these things. (And a good fu** as well)

I set myself up for 7 years, over and over, repeating the cycle until this distances between me and these men grew, and their relationships seemed to blossom even though they would still talk to me.

I used to ask them and myself, why doesn’t anyone want me, all of me, every day, all the time. I thought it was my fault that I wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH for these amazing men to be married to, or serious with me.

Today I have learned why, and it saddens me, makes me angry, and makes me shameful that I let myself become that type of person.

Well its taken 7 years, about two weeks before my 24th birthday to realize, that I am so much more than I thought, and I LET these men distract me from the true problem.

I didn’t love myself. I chased men that showed me as much love as I felt that I deserved. And I am not the only person in the world who does this or has done it.

Obviously I didn’t see myself as worthy of these men, cause if I did, I would have severed the ties, and moved on. I would’ve waited, but until now, I never fully realized how special I truly was, without someone telling me so.

So take a stand “side chicks” Get out of that relationship now. Whether its physical, emotional or both. It’s not healthy. And no one likes a home-wrecker.

The more thought I pour into it, the more disgusted I have become with my past actions.

But right here and now at 4:22am, I am making a vow, to hold myself up to higher standards, to enjoy being alone, carefree, and finally I am going to focus on the most important person in my life…me. Cause to these men, I have it all, I’m carefree, I lack the same responsibilities but I look at them with such envy for having families, homes and grown up lives.

To them, I’m an escape from reality, I’m the life they could have lived, but they chose otherwise and now feel stuck.

After tonight, I won’t be able to look at men the same, especially those who would risk a marriage, family and reputation by having a side chick.

So take care and see you never.

A Letter To All of Us “Side Chicks” And The Men That Put Us There