Today I resent you. Today I am angry with you for making me feel so much and teasing my damn heart.
Today, I wish you didn’t exist so that I could move on with my life and not spend these endless hours, minutes and seconds thinking about you.
Today, I wish I could erase my memories, and given enough time, it would happen naturally.
But John, I care. I care so much for how you make me feel, and the moments we share, that it makes me ache deep inside.
The most recent memory that always seems to bring a smile to my face, even in this moment of despair, I can recall so clearly. The feel of your arm against mine, our bodies and souls felt connected and keep me from remaining resentful…
We sat in your bedroom, with the tv on, but the volume low. We took shots of moonshine and sat next to each other on your bed, with our arms touching ever so lightly. You started playing a familiar tune, and began singing it to me. I immediately caught on, and began singing with you.
As you strummed, we sang together,
“You’re on the phone with your girlfriend—she’s upset,
She’s going off about something that you said
‘Cause she doesn’t get your humor like I do.
I’m in the room, it’s a typical Tuesday night.
I’m listening to the kind of music she doesn’t like.
And she’ll never know your story like I do.”
We looked into each others eyes so deeply as you continued the song. I let out a giggle at the excitement of this moment actually happening. I had dreamed my entire life of meeting a man who would play the guitar as we both sang to it. I became breathless at the thought that you played this song on purpose. My heart fluttered.
And you continued…
“So, why can’t you see—
Have you ever thought,
Just maybe– that
You belong with me”
Then I sang the last lyric ever so softly into your ear,
“You belong with me.”
As I pulled my lips away from your ear, our eyes met. I could feel your breath on my lips as our eyes stayed locked for what I wished, could have been eternity. It was as if time had stopped. My heart, raced with yearning. We both sighed heavily and broke the moment, trying to laugh it off.
But later that night, as we tried to sleep, facing each other, I knew it was going to happen.
The room dark, with only the tv lighting it, your breath and mine mixed as our faces inched closer to one anothers. We entangled our bodies in a full on frontal snuggle. My lips rested on your cheek. The alcohol seemed so intense as we both felt each others skin. It still gives me shivers to think about. We stayed like this for minutes. Our breaths started to skim each others skin and with each movement of our bodies, our lips grew closer and closer until we were not even centimeters apart, lip to lip. We continued to keep our eyes closed, both feeling what the other felt. We eskimo kissed each other again and again, and each time your lips grazed near my own, I got goosebumps on the back of my neck. I felt such a deep longing to kiss you that I couldn’t breathe any longer, we both felt the intensity of the moment. It was electric, and somehow, just somehow, our lips finally met. The only other way I can describe it John, was a series of photos of beautiful moments happening all played within a millisecond through my head. Visions of flowers blooming, children breathing their first breath, the sun rising, a star shooting. And then the intensity of the kiss that followed will forever keep me from finishing this letter on anything but a good note.
You make me feel so much adoration, support, acceptance and friendship, that I never want to know a day without you again. Why can’t you just be with me?
Dearest John, You belong with me.